I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I need moral support for this bender
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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