I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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