i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
