I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
