grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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