One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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