Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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