Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
