I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
