I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
