Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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