I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
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