Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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