I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
