theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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