Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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