i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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