remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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