This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
