see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
