I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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