Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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