Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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