If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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