if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
