it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
