come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
