I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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