Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
