Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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