No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
