WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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