dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
