Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize