He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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