You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
