Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
