I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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