see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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