Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
