I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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