ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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