Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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