I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
