I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
