They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
