I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
