peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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