You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
