Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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